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Saturday, September 10, 2016

Who am I?

I'm feeling a bit out of sorts, uneasy, rattled, I really don't know how to put it best.

It's a few weeks until fall, my favorite time of year.  It's already started here on our little farm.  The leaves are turning and are drifting onto the ground.  There is a crispness to the air and the horse is starting to get his winter coat. The apples are ripe and ready to be stored for the winter, in pies put in the freezer, dehydrated for snacks, made into juice or sauce and canned, tucked away for the rainy nights.  My youngest daughter and I have watched Hocus Pocus a few times already, even though it's only the first week of September.

I think part of my problem is that summer flew by. We had 4 pretty major 4-H events followed by our county fair and then a trip to the state fair.  All lots of fun and I love my job but I think I spent one afternoon on the river bank. The garden got way ahead of me and I know that there was a lot that got "lost".  Luckily we have livestock so at least it got eaten by them and not wasted.  I did sleep outside on the back porch a lot, which was great.  I got to spend time with some great friends, hang out with my grandson and see a couple of concerts at some fairs. I'm not complaining, but it just doesn't seem like summer was even here. *side note, I set up the tent on the front porch and will probably sleep there til it gets too chilly.

Now the busy season is over and it's time to recharge and start planning next year at work.  It's time to think about preparing for winter, maybe some sewing, reading a few books and being a little bit of a hermit. Normally I'd be super excited about that.  But I'm feeling kinda low... Maybe it's because Lyndsey is heading back to college to start her junior year at Oregon State. We've been lucky having our youngest home the last two summers. It makes me feel like I'm no longer a "mom" which I know is super silly.

I've been continuing getting rid of stuff and I love it.  It makes the house feel cleaner and life feels easier.  Baby steps, it's taken years to accomplish what I've done so far. I like feeling like we could live in a smaller space without too much inconvenience.

I just need to breath, slowly.  No sudden decisions or fast moves.  Take my time and don't overreact. I've been in this type of mood before (17 years of recovery will do that to a person) so luckily I've learned how to handle it.  And the first thing I always do is acknowledge it and talk about it openly.

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