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Thursday, March 31, 2016

Hectic, crazy, overwhelming life!

I am not gonna lie. I'm a homebody.  Don't get me wrong, I love to go places, bigger towns and cities where there are different places to eat, shopping and different activities to do  But really, my ultimate weekend is one where I pull across the bridge on Friday after work and don't cross it until Monday morning.  I love company, but solitude is my best friend.

It started in mid-March. Conferences, trainings, trips to the doctor, dentist, a concert out of town (same band two nights in a row) and mom's weekend at OSU. Somewhere in the middle of it will be a major surgery for a close family member and moving my big sis from her current assisted living home to one here in our hometown.  Thank goodness for close friends who are helping with the move.  The same friends will help with anything else I need at the drop of a hat, which is so comforting.

I'm feeling like I've got a handle on it, I have a mental calendar in my brain of what, when and where I'm going to be over the next few weeks.  On the other hand, I feel on edge, like I'm standing on a very steep cliff and the wind is blowing hard against me.  I fight the wind, I stand straight and tall, tightening my resolve so that I am not blown away, into the depths.  I used to feel like I could handle chaos, that I thrived in crisis. After years of struggling to discover the real me, I find reality scary.

The truth was, it was a "drug" to my depression, it made me feel alive.  I drank to push the darkness away, to feel happiness.  Using chaos and crisis kept the fear from overwhelming me. I choose not to embrace those anymore. That makes it hard during times like these, when things are happening left and right. I want to stand and scream and just say "I'm not doing it", "I quit" and "Leave me alone".  But that's not real life. Sometimes things just happen this way, everything at once. I can't avoid it and if I tried to, it would be worse.

Do I have an easy solution? Nope.  Can I change it? Nope, not right now. It's just what's going on in my life. So I need to accept it and do what I can to ease the crazy.  If a chore that isn't critical to the farm doesn't get done, oh well. If I go to bed and read a book a couple hours earlier than normal, it's okay. I'm listening to my body and my mind.  That will keep me sane and sound, able to take care of what needs done and the others around me.

Is it a perfect life? No but it's my life! And it's full of hope, joy and faith!

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