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Friday, February 4, 2011

I am cranky, grouchy, out-of-sorts, pissed off, irritated... grrrrrr!!!!!

And I don't have a single big reason to pin it on, it's a whole big mess of little reasons.

1. Littlest ewe lamb (born yesterday) is not putting any weight on her right front foot. She hobbles around like a granny with arthritis. Did Momma Staci step on her? Did she trip in the thick straw and pull something? I can't feel any abnormalities and she is too little to wince or pull away when I squeeze so I don't know exactly where it's hurting. Luckily she is still eating, peeing and pooping, but it's sad to see the big girl springing all over the place and lil' girl standing there baa'ing for her sister and momma to wait. I cannot afford a vet bill at this point, so I have "splinted" the leg in a cut toilet paper roll and some loose vet wrap to assist her in holding some weight. It just makes me sad.

2. Worked on taxes on-line, looking like we are going to owe this year and no clue where the money is going to come from. I thought interest on mortgage would balance stuff out but it didn't. I am putting everything away for a week or so, will pull it out and re-enter figures using another program to double-check things.

3. Feeling like the house slave! Since I've been laid off, I've taken over all the chores. I feel like since I'm not working, it's my responsibility and because I am such a good martyr, it feels right. I do get unemployment and I work a couple part-time, temp positions every week adding $50-60 onto the unemployment. I don't mind it, but I'm noticing that hubby gets home from work, sits down and is done. I have spoiled him and it's showing. He had the nerve to complain last night that I forgot to salt and pepper his food. Come on, I dish your plate, bring it to you, take it back to the kitchen, put it in the dishwasher and you find one thing wrong and have the cojones to complain. I bit my tongue because Lyndsey was there and I knew I was in a fighting mood. What cracks me up is when I ask for help, he acts like I've asked him to do something illegal. I think it's time for what my friend Kate calls a "Come to Jesus" meeting.

4. I'm bored. We don't have money to go to movies, dinners (the Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation dinner is tomorrow night and I've always wanted to go, but it's like $50 a plate)or do anything special. We don't have friends we get together with, partially because they are younger than us and want to party, or they want to do things that cost money rather than just a night hanging out. I love to read and I have a few shows I like to watch but it's getting old quickly. Steve says he's bored too, but when I suggest stuff like going to a local meeting or something, he doesn't want to go. I guess I've got to just get my courage up to go on my own.

5. Finances are tight. We are helping our youngest go to Paris in March (a trip of a lifetime) and so every extra penny (and there aren't many extras left) is going towards that. She has been working hard on school fundraisers and she babysits every Friday night from 4 pm to 3 am for a little girl so she's definitly pulling her weight, but the trip had to be paid for up-front. Our trip to Shriners last month put us a bit behind on bills so now I'm playing catch up and I hate that! I'm the money person in the house. Steve's check covers the house payment, his gas money and his cigarettes (don't get me started) and mine does the rest-food, electric, cell phone bill, car insurance, animal feed, etc. I am not a miracle worker!

6. I am tired of having my mother-in-laws stuff here. She moved in with us in June for what was supposed to be 8 weeks(right before I got laid off)with her 2 dogs, took over the spare bedroom and part of the main bathroom, has a 20 gallon fish tank in the dining room (which is loud and keeps me awake) and a corner of the garage about 6'x10'x8' high full of her stuff. In October (way past 8 weeks) she said she was going to her daughter's house about 3 hours away for a week and she hasn't been back. Don't get me wrong, I don't miss her or the damn dogs a bit, but it kinda pisses me off she has not contacted us re: what to do with her crap. I feel kinda taken advantage of and am tempted to just throw everything in boxes and put it in the garage (and maybe unplug the tank and let the guppies survive on their own power).

7. I am a co-dependent. I say yes to everything and go out of my way to please others. This is my fault and it's always been one of my biggest problems (probably a big contribution to my alcoholism as well). Today I was going to sit down and make a beaded bracelet for a young girl in my 4-H club (who I'd already helped get a dress for) when I realized that her step-grandma (who had asked me to find a dress and help figure out what to do with her hair) had more money than me and could afford to buy her cheap jewelry to wear. I have my own daughter to help get ready for the dance.

Okay, I think I'm done venting (Oh wait, one more thing! I want a beer because I'm such a bad mood, but I won't have one! No way will I blow 12 plus years of sobriety). Thanks for listening, as I wrote this and re-read it, I see things: A. Some of the stuff is stupid; B. Some of it is my fault and I need to fix it; and C. Some of it I really have a right to be upset about. I promise my next post will be more cheerful! Maybe the lamb's sore leg will get better and I can relax about that.


  1. You are having a really bad stretch right now, and you have every right to feel it, vent it, and ask for help where needed! (I've had several of those "come to Jesus" meetings myself!) You are doing so much on a limited budget and your time and energy is stretched, it's no wonder things are coming to a head. I haven't been out in many years on a "date" so I can relate to that. Although I prefer to spend money on "things" for the house and our family instead, you are right, there are times where it gets plain boring! I really, really hope the lamb will show signs of being on the mend soon. I hate that feeling of being taken advantage of too, and I really hope you can get that situation resolved. I think it's amazing that you can acknowledge that you want a drink and then move on with the knowledge that you won't have one - that means you are one strong lady! Now I hope everyone around you will see that as strong as you are, you would still appreciate some help around the house! You vent as much as you want to, you wouldn't be normal if you didn't have bad times to go with the good. Hope things look up soon!

  2. you go ahead and vent ruth, right now it seems to me you could use some support! I know what that feels like. So just go on and vent, vent, vent! Hope that helps. Blessings jane

  3. Sometimes you just HAVE to let it out! And that is what we are here for. No judging, criticizing or anything. You are human and most certainly have a right to feel how you feel.

    Sit down with hubby and have a nice 'chat' before you blow your top and all hell breaks loose. Tell him how you feel, make him read this post if you have to! It's not fair that anyone should assume that because your are unemployed that you have all the time in the world.

    By all means you should ask for help! Because let's face it, if you don't then the takers in your life just think they can keep on keepin' on!

    You deserve to feel better and I hope venting some of it helped. I also hope that the little baby doesn't have something very serious wrong with it's foot. Have you searched online for possible reasons and home remedies? I don't know anything about that stuff, but surely there are lots of folks who do.

    I really hope you are feeling better!

  4. I wanna give you a big hug! I agree with the gals commenting above me, and can relate on most issues. You aren't out of line at all in your very real "complaints" although I don't think you're complaining.

    It's so (damned!) natural for us women to take care of everyone and everything else before ourselves. We are the care givers, the nurturers. But in the process, nobody thinks to take care of or nuture us. I guess it's human nature (though not right or excusable) to be happy with the situation if the mom figure is doing everything and nobody else has to pitch in. Sometimes people do truly need to be hit with that baseball bat before they see the situation as it is and decide it would be best to change.

    Well, it's time to have a few chats with those people involved (mother-in-law included -- I'm sure she hasn't given one thought to the inconvenience she's causing you -- and set some new boundaries.

    I am SO PROUD of you and your 12+ years of sobriety. That has got to be something only a VERY strong person can do.

    Remember, I don't think any one of us readers feels you are whining or complaining or mitching and boaning when you let off steam here. It's HEALTHY and I wish we could help more. Sending hugs and support.